Sunday, April 5, 2009

How my heart breaks

I was standing in church today before service. Andon and I chose to stand off to the side while Jennifer signed him into his class. The church has a very large body and before each service one to two thousand people are making their way in and out of the halls. As I stood off to the side I watched as a small two year old girl make her way through. Her dad not far behind was watching her every step. As I watched the girl walking she turned slightly to ensure that dad was close by. As they met each others stare the dad let out a small laugh and the girl giggled with excitement. Her pace quickened and she begun to almost run with joy. This brought a smile to my face. I was happy for so many reasons. To see a dad and his little girl sharing a moment, to think back to when Andon was a baby and always needed confirmation on what he was doing. It was a nice moment! One second after this moment I lifted my eyes to meet the mother staring at me. She was four or five steps off the dad and apparently watching me watch them. The look was one of anger or judgement. I felt my entire joy retract. I felt the moment flee and be immediately replaced with uneasiness. I turned away and thought she missed it, she missed the moment in her family that brought a complete stranger joy.
As Jen and I dropped Andon off and walked back to the sanctuary I explained the situation. I tried to explain quickly what was still evolving in me at the moment but failed to convey. As Jen and I were a quarter through service Jen leaned over to me and said "It's like what Andon has to go through at times, The kids and adults stare at him with a question or judgement and lose who he is or what he is saying". My heart sank to the realization of what God was showing me. We often lose sight of truth when God presents us with it. Our perspective is usually defined by the world and its "standards" or our own selfishness and desires. Our father looks not upon the flesh but to our hearts. He is not concerned with our outward appearance but the posture of our heart. It threw me into so many moments when I failed to see past someone's anger to the heart or past someone's judgement to the insecurity they themselves struggle through. I begun to cry thinking what God was accomplishing through Andon for me but my heart broke for the lost, for the needy. Christ is defining my perspective through every moment. He has chosen both Jen and I to steward this gift of Andon and share the realization of that truth. Today was an amazing moment the Father chose to bless me with. It is not to ever sit in the seat of judgement but through humility and service love our God with all of your heart, with all of your soul and all of your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. Proceeding that portion of scripture you will not find: Unless they meet your visual standard. Unless they have a good attitude. Unless they are first pleasant to you. Unless they fill your requirements as a friend or neighbor.


Cassie - Homeschooling Four said...

Great post Jared! I love reading your heart and how God is speaking to you both as a family.

Jackie Sue said...

Precious post and such truth. Thanks for sharing.